Life as it goes

 I have been watching a lot of old conquest videos over the past week. Islamic battles, The Mongol Empire, and such. Today I watched a lecture about Khalid bin Alwalid (رضي الله عنه) by Dr. Roy Casagranda ( link here ). During the 85 minutes of the lecture, Dr. Roy tells the story of what he describes as one of the 3 greatest generals of all time. He starts by telling his students about the part of history they do not learn about. The middle eastern history. He had a few wrong details, but God knows how much joy and sadness at the same time it brought to my heart when he was complimenting Muslims. The way he spoke about the great Muslim warriors, the heroics of the women in AlYarmouk battle, and the humbleness of Umar bin AlKhattab (رضي الله عنه) when he negotiated the surrender of Jerusalem put me in so many tears. It is so ugly how we feel about ourselves in this age because of how the west sees us. We are at the bottom of the world, and it saddens me so much that our history is ...

 Do you ever wonder how perfect it is to be loved by a poet? A real poet that writes brilliant poems? Do you have any idea how romantic it is for someone to write you a poem? Or a song? Really good ones? I envy people in relationships like these. I wish I was good at it myself.

 Exactly 1 year ago I was having my last lunch with Joseph in St. Louis. It was the day of my graduation. I graduated exactly 1 year ago. 20th of May. Exactly 1 year ago, I could not wait to come to this country. The hopes and dreams I had, if only. Now I cannot wait to leave this country. It made me a worse person. I am 27 soon. I am nowhere near being settled down. Where am I going to be exactly 1 year from now?

What do you know? It is my best friend's wedding today. How do I feel? Nothing, I think. Let me tell you about the things we used to do. 2nd grade, Fall of 2002. Teacher Eman asks me to stand up and go sit in the back next to this new guy that just arrived to class for the first time. His name was Faris, and he has been living in KSA. I do not remember anything else about our time in 2nd grade. We turned out to be living next to each other, so we would often go to play soccer on Saturdays. I would call him on his land line and check if he can play. I always wanted to go out, but he was not always able to. I guess that is one thing that did not change when I look at things now. We played with the neighbors, we have funny memories together; like that one time he told a man that he thought he was going to kidnap us. Or that other time he saw the police and started running like hell. We dubbed him Roberto Carlos after that one. We also have memorable goals that went down in history, li...

How would you accept being loved by someone if you do not feel that you deserve to be loved?

I think I found it. I found out what is wrong with me, and it is 2 things. 1) I always do what I want! It is quite ironic, isn't it? Doing and getting what you want is supposed to be great, but there is really no moral attached to that idea, right? You will want bad things, and you will do them. You will do stuff without thinking if they are right or wrong, just because you always get what you want! Well, you can't always get what you want, as a matter of fact you shouldn't! We have always studied about النفس, but I do not think I realized it is real until now. You can want wrong things. 2) I am a very easy going person. I do not judge people or react to their mistakes. Whatever you do, I will understand you, and treat you right. I do not think anything you do is stupid or embarrassing, I understand! I really do! Explain to me what was going on your mind, and we are going to come together to a conclusion that makes you feel good about it, or at least stop feeling bad! I tru...

Sometimes I wonder what I have become. I have a mind that is automated to break things down to tiny chunks of information and construct the most efficient solution that maximizes my gains. What I often forget about is that these tiny chunks can often be people, and people are not parameters you manipulate to gain benefit. I do not know how I got here, but I hate it. I hate not being able to feel. I hate using people and looking at them as assets. I hate how selfish I can be. I guess I spent a lot of time alone that I do not even know what it is like to care for people anymore. I hate that too. I really feel bad. And I am happy that I am. It has been a while since I felt bad about something. It is a feeling after all, and I want to feel more.

 Do you know what makes me mad? Lack of common courtesy makes me mad. Why on earth would someone not answer a question you ask? Why wouldn't they say Amen after you say prayers for them? I cannot believe how freaking busy your life must be to have turned you into someone that does not take a moment to act like a normal human being. Guess what? It is not busy. You just lost your appreciation for human connection. And I am talking about real human connection. Ask yourself this, if I ask you a question in person, would you ignore me and walk away? If I pray for you, would you say absolutely nothing and walk away? It is no different when these actions are digital. Just grow up, and be responsible in your relationships with everyone. God damn technology when it is misused.

 I have changed a lot. You would think you know yourself but you really do not, not until you spend a few months by yourself, away from people. We are social beings. The way we perceive ourselves is affected by our actions and reactions with others, therefore the images we form of ourselves do not accurately depict our true personalities, they merely depict who we wish people perceived us as. Our minds subconsciously emphasize on certain qualities we like and - also subconsciously - put more effort into choosing actions according to these qualities. There is nothing wrong with that, you know, as long as you continue interacting with people. But once you are alone, you will start discovering your real personality. It will be you and yourself alone. You will discover who you really are when there is nobody around to judge you or affect your judgement about yourself. That, my dear, is scary.

What do you know? It is my best friend's wedding tomorrow. How do I feel? Nostalgic, I think. I miss him. Let me tell you about the things we used to do. He loved Napoli and I loved Ajax. We were crazy about football. We knew the names of every promising young player before they were bought by big clubs. We used to choose a weak team in FIFA video games and try to win championships with it. We never tried to get the great players into our club because that is boring! We were always different than other people, and we loved uncommon things, like Napoli, and Ajax! We used to make plans to get out of our English class in 10th grade. We would list all the gadgets we have (pens, watches, anything!) and then create a plan to get out. Sometimes we would come up with absolutely ridiculous excuses to get out of the class. It was so funny that Hussam ran into a wall one day. Let him tell you about this some time. We met in 8th grade. First couple of we...

I cannot fire guns in my dreams. I just never could. The trigger would always be stuck, and I will have to pull it realy hard, really really hard to fire the gun. It is impractical, and I always get swamped by enemies in dreams because of this. It will be very interesting to know why I have this issue in my dreams. I am planning to go to a shooting range to fire guns for the first time in my life. I wonder if that would solve this issue in my dreams, it will be of the utmost interest to me if it does.

I have become a very negative person, and I do not even know why. Sometimes I think it is because my future is uncertain. When I used to be working back home, I did not worry about anything. I was the most chill person you would ever meet. But right now, I am constantly worried about something.

I hate mistreating people the same way they mistreat me. I promised myself I would never do that. You are always late to our meetings? That is fine, you are a flake, I am not. You cannot keep your word? That is fine, you are not man enough, I am. I am not on top of your priorities? That is fine, you are still on top of mine because you mean a lot to me. I treat people with my manners, not theirs. It is the right thing to do, but it sucks! When you get hurt, what do you do? A. You hurt back. B. You tell them you have been hurt. Never do A. Do B. When you tell people they have hurt you, how do they respond? A. They do not do it again. B. They do it again. They should do A. But many will do B. When they do it again, what do you do? A. Walk away. B. Hurt back. C. Accept you will be hurt from time to time because that is who they are. Walk away.

Our AI class has one final contest. We need to design and code Pacman agents to play against other student agents. The winner will claim all bragging rights! Enough of defense. Onto enemy terrain. Capture all their food! We are supposed to code a team that consists of 2 agents that work collectively (or separately, if you choose to) to win the game. The map of the game is divided into 2 symmetric halves. One team starts in Red, the other in Blue. Each team must eat all the food (dots) in the opponent's half of the map, and protect food in their own half. If your agent is currently inside your own half, it will be displayed as a Ghost that can defeat invading Pacman agents. If it is inside the opponent's half, it will be displayed as Pacman, who is vulnerable to opponent ghosts. A defeated Pacman agent will respawn in it is initial starting position in its own half. In this post, I will be describing my journey of developing my team of badass Pacman agents. Names ...

الكتابة تحتاج إلى عقل هادئ وصافٍ. لا أظن أنني حظيت بهذا منذ عدة أشهر.

You know that feeling when someone who is not that close to you, steps up among people and does something so nice to you? Like remembering you with a gift before you travel. It is the first time that I am on the receiving end of that equation.

مسك - ابنة أختي - الجميلة، وقعت وهي تلعب على "السحسيلة" وقت الإفطار لأنها كانت تقفز أثناء انزلاقها إلى الأريكة المجاورة للعبة. فأخبرتها أمها - الجميلة أيضا - أنها يجب أن تزلق بشكل طبيعي ولا يجب أن تقفز هكذا إلا إذا كانت هي معها حتى تساعدها وتحرص على سلامتها. فانطلقت مسك فورا وأمسكت يد أمها وأخبرتها أن تأتي لتساعدها حتى تقفز. أخبرتها أمها أنها تريد أن تأكل وستساعدها بعد ذلك، فإذا بمسك تجلس بجانب أمها، وتمسك بملعقة أمها، وتملؤها بالطعام وترفعها إلى فم أمها، وتقول لها: "كلي يا ماما، كلي." مسك ستبلغ العامين ونصف العام بعد أسبوعين.

Friend: Hey man I really think she is the one. Me: Alright mate, go for it. Take good care of her. ---- 2 days later --- Friend: Bro she is a really bad person she does not deserve me. Me: I think you are right, you should break up.

A friend's father passed away. I am not able to find any way one could help somebody overcome the loss of a dear person. Death is different from anything we face during our lives because it is irreversible, it is supernatural to humans. When you break up with somebody, or lose a job, there is always so many things other people can do to cheer you up. You can find someone else, you can get another job, you can work harder to become better and win your next contest. People can help you realize all of that when you are sad about it. But you just cannot make up for someone's death, you have no influence on it if it happens, and there is nothing you can do about it. Life takes away experiences from you during its ups and downs, but death takes away people, and people are unique, experiences are not. My first impression was that my friend would experience a mental breakdown after the first shock, but only God knows how strong and confident she acted. I almost thought she was g...

في كل عام، اعتادت العائلة الثانية على الاجتماع في نصف رمضان؛ الكل يجلس في نفس الساحة التي - منذ أيامِ - كانت مغطيةً بالتراب. في كل عام يزداد العدد بولد فلان وابنة فلانة. الكل يلتف حول جدتي التي لو فاضت قطرة من استبشارها في هذا اليوم على الناس، لمات الناس من شدة السعادة. أنا ندمان لأنني لم أحضر العام الماضي، لم أستفد من الفصل الصيفي على أي حال. هل حقا سيأتي يوم نلتف فيه حول أنفسنا نقرأ السَّبْع؟ هل سَتَهْدَأُ أصوات أحفاد خالاتي وأخوالي المزعجة؟ لماذا تتلوَّنُ جُدران البيت بألوان ساكِنِه؟ هل تبقى الألوان بعد أن يغادر؟ لماذا تُزْهِرُ الورود التي أَحَبَّها الآن؟ هل تعود الألوان إن عاد؟ هل يعود؟ في كل عامٍ، سيعود هذا اليوم. وكل الأعوام القادمة متشابهة، وكل الأعوام الفائتة متشابهة، والفرق بينهما هو تلك القطرة.