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History

 I have been watching a lot of old conquest videos over the past week. Islamic battles, The Mongol Empire, and such. Today I watched a lecture about Khalid bin Alwalid (رضي الله عنه) by Dr. Roy Casagranda ( link here ). During the 85 minutes of the lecture, Dr. Roy tells the story of what he describes as one of the 3 greatest generals of all time. He starts by telling his students about the part of history they do not learn about. The middle eastern history. He had a few wrong details, but God knows how much joy and sadness at the same time it brought to my heart when he was complimenting Muslims. The way he spoke about the great Muslim warriors, the heroics of the women in AlYarmouk battle, and the humbleness of Umar bin AlKhattab (رضي الله عنه) when he negotiated the surrender of Jerusalem put me in so many tears. It is so ugly how we feel about ourselves in this age because of how the west sees us. We are at the bottom of the world, and it saddens me so much that our history is ...
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Sea.

 Do you ever wonder how perfect it is to be loved by a poet? A real poet that writes brilliant poems? Do you have any idea how romantic it is for someone to write you a poem? Or a song? Really good ones? I envy people in relationships like these. I wish I was good at it myself.
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Exactly.

 Exactly 1 year ago I was having my last lunch with Joseph in St. Louis. It was the day of my graduation. I graduated exactly 1 year ago. 20th of May. Exactly 1 year ago, I could not wait to come to this country. The hopes and dreams I had, if only. Now I cannot wait to leave this country. It made me a worse person. I am 27 soon. I am nowhere near being settled down. Where am I going to be exactly 1 year from now?
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Abd Al-Rahman

What do you know? It is my best friend's wedding today. How do I feel? Nothing, I think. Let me tell you about the things we used to do. 2nd grade, Fall of 2002. Teacher Eman asks me to stand up and go sit in the back next to this new guy that just arrived to class for the first time. His name was Faris, and he has been living in KSA. I do not remember anything else about our time in 2nd grade. We turned out to be living next to each other, so we would often go to play soccer on Saturdays. I would call him on his land line and check if he can play. I always wanted to go out, but he was not always able to. I guess that is one thing that did not change when I look at things now. We played with the neighbors, we have funny memories together; like that one time he told a man that he thought he was going to kidnap us. Or that other time he saw the police and started running like hell. We dubbed him Roberto Carlos after that one. We also have memorable goals that went down in history, li...
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Shallow

How would you accept being loved by someone if you do not feel that you deserve to be loved?
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What is wrong with you?

I think I found it. I found out what is wrong with me, and it is 2 things. 1) I always do what I want! It is quite ironic, isn't it? Doing and getting what you want is supposed to be great, but there is really no moral attached to that idea, right? You will want bad things, and you will do them. You will do stuff without thinking if they are right or wrong, just because you always get what you want! Well, you can't always get what you want, as a matter of fact you shouldn't! We have always studied about النفس, but I do not think I realized it is real until now. You can want wrong things. 2) I am a very easy going person. I do not judge people or react to their mistakes. Whatever you do, I will understand you, and treat you right. I do not think anything you do is stupid or embarrassing, I understand! I really do! Explain to me what was going on your mind, and we are going to come together to a conclusion that makes you feel good about it, or at least stop feeling bad! I tru...
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Mistakes

Sometimes I wonder what I have become. I have a mind that is automated to break things down to tiny chunks of information and construct the most efficient solution that maximizes my gains. What I often forget about is that these tiny chunks can often be people, and people are not parameters you manipulate to gain benefit. I do not know how I got here, but I hate it. I hate not being able to feel. I hate using people and looking at them as assets. I hate how selfish I can be. I guess I spent a lot of time alone that I do not even know what it is like to care for people anymore. I hate that too. I really feel bad. And I am happy that I am. It has been a while since I felt bad about something. It is a feeling after all, and I want to feel more.
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