Life as it goes

 Exactly 1 year ago I was having my last lunch with Joseph in St. Louis. It was the day of my graduation. I graduated exactly 1 year ago. 20th of May. Exactly 1 year ago, I could not wait to come to this country. The hopes and dreams I had, if only. Now I cannot wait to leave this country. It made me a worse person. I am 27 soon. I am nowhere near being settled down. Where am I going to be exactly 1 year from now?

What do you know? It is my best friend's wedding today. How do I feel? Nothing, I think. Let me tell you about the things we used to do. 2nd grade, Fall of 2002. Teacher Eman asks me to stand up and go sit in the back next to this new guy that just arrived to class for the first time. His name was Faris, and he has been living in KSA. I do not remember anything else about our time in 2nd grade. We turned out to be living next to each other, so we would often go to play soccer on Saturdays. I would call him on his land line and check if he can play. I always wanted to go out, but he was not always able to. I guess that is one thing that did not change when I look at things now. We played with the neighbors, we have funny memories together; like that one time he told a man that he thought he was going to kidnap us. Or that other time he saw the police and started running like hell. We dubbed him Roberto Carlos after that one. We also have memorable goals that went down in history, li...

How would you accept being loved by someone if you do not feel that you deserve to be loved?

I think I found it. I found out what is wrong with me, and it is 2 things. 1) I always do what I want! It is quite ironic, isn't it? Doing and getting what you want is supposed to be great, but there is really no moral attached to that idea, right? You will want bad things, and you will do them. You will do stuff without thinking if they are right or wrong, just because you always get what you want! Well, you can't always get what you want, as a matter of fact you shouldn't! We have always studied about النفس, but I do not think I realized it is real until now. You can want wrong things. 2) I am a very easy going person. I do not judge people or react to their mistakes. Whatever you do, I will understand you, and treat you right. I do not think anything you do is stupid or embarrassing, I understand! I really do! Explain to me what was going on your mind, and we are going to come together to a conclusion that makes you feel good about it, or at least stop feeling bad! I tru...

Sometimes I wonder what I have become. I have a mind that is automated to break things down to tiny chunks of information and construct the most efficient solution that maximizes my gains. What I often forget about is that these tiny chunks can often be people, and people are not parameters you manipulate to gain benefit. I do not know how I got here, but I hate it. I hate not being able to feel. I hate using people and looking at them as assets. I hate how selfish I can be. I guess I spent a lot of time alone that I do not even know what it is like to care for people anymore. I hate that too. I really feel bad. And I am happy that I am. It has been a while since I felt bad about something. It is a feeling after all, and I want to feel more.

 Do you know what makes me mad? Lack of common courtesy makes me mad. Why on earth would someone not answer a question you ask? Why wouldn't they say Amen after you say prayers for them? I cannot believe how freaking busy your life must be to have turned you into someone that does not take a moment to act like a normal human being. Guess what? It is not busy. You just lost your appreciation for human connection. And I am talking about real human connection. Ask yourself this, if I ask you a question in person, would you ignore me and walk away? If I pray for you, would you say absolutely nothing and walk away? It is no different when these actions are digital. Just grow up, and be responsible in your relationships with everyone. God damn technology when it is misused.

 I have changed a lot. You would think you know yourself but you really do not, not until you spend a few months by yourself, away from people. We are social beings. The way we perceive ourselves is affected by our actions and reactions with others, therefore the images we form of ourselves do not accurately depict our true personalities, they merely depict who we wish people perceived us as. Our minds subconsciously emphasize on certain qualities we like and - also subconsciously - put more effort into choosing actions according to these qualities. There is nothing wrong with that, you know, as long as you continue interacting with people. But once you are alone, you will start discovering your real personality. It will be you and yourself alone. You will discover who you really are when there is nobody around to judge you or affect your judgement about yourself. That, my dear, is scary.